I will die if light touches me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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