You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
