Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
