Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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