Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
