did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
