He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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