update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're not piercing ourselves today.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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