oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
