umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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