my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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