Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
