just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I look better un-naked...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
