I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
