I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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