Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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