considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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