She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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