bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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