1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i now understand why vodka
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
