walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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