The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
