its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
