Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm passing your future prison.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
