just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
