i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
