JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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