Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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