Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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