I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame