My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.