is your mom at the bar?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.