Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
