Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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