i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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