How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
