meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
