nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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