i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
