I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
