im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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