He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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