Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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