you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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