Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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