So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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