Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
