Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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