If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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