That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
im on a boat
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