I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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