am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
