yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
