Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
