Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
