Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
im on a boat
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