just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
