watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
